(Unrealistic) Expectations

I was having some serious OP love earlier this week. The whole "of course you go to your sister's event" thing was up there as well as his hand in talking with Man Who Makes Me Cry In My Own Office (who had e-mailed me wanted to share thoughts on youth sunday... thoughts which consisted of "did I miss something because how was that considered a worship service." Oh yeah.)

But you know, I think that love is fading at the moment (it's not all gone, just the glow). The interferance he was going to run, I'm sure tempered Man Who's rudeness but I still got jerked around by him. I don't know exactly how he deals with Man Who but I sometimes think he could do even more. Does he ever call Man Who out on his down-right rude treatment of me or is it "well, that's just something they'll have to work out." Which would be fine, I suppose, except Man Who literally worships OP and I think sometimes if he just said "look, you two don't see eye-to-eye but you've got to stop patronizing and needling her" it might help. Or at least let me know I'm not alone in this.

Also, and this is minor and petty (but), we have an executive team meeting before our session meeting each month. At 8am. On Friday. My day off. So, that's lame in and of itself - a day I shouldn't be at work at a time that he knows I'm not at my best. Apparently they used to meet at lunch on Friday before the session meeting (which would me at least half better). So I've always kinda been bothered by the fact he never said "hey, we have a new team member on board who is off this day and it's ridiculous to ask her to schedule a meeting on her own time, so let's move it to Thursday."

So this morning I arrive at the meeting at 8:01am (there was traffic on my way over). And at the end of the meeting he asks to see me. To "ask" me to be at church 5 minutes before the meeting. Because, you know, it's been a couple meetings now that I've arrived exactly on time or a minute late (literally a minute). And, of course, he starts this meeting (not the session meeting or any other meeting but THIS meeting at 8 freaking am) before the actual meeting time or exactly on the dot.

This is just a small example of a constant theme. It's gotten much, much better, but I don't know if OP fully respects me or sees me as a colleague or is fully aware of his power over me and how much that, well, sucks for me.

Ah, rant done now. Now it's time to try and write a sermon about not fearing. Hmmm... one of these days maybe I'll take my own advice and actually talk to OP about some of this. Probably not, but maybe.

Edited to Add: Got an e-mail back from Man Who... apparently youth sunday begs the question of why the youth weren't challenged enough (I didn't realize they hadn't been) and while he thanks me for me e-mail, he doesn't appreciate my condescending tone. Wow. Um, didn't know I had been condescending in said e-mail - in fact had a friend look at it before I sent it to make sure all was pleasant. But I think what he reads as condescending is me answering his trap question - "how was that considered a worship service" - as best as I could. I drove back the the office to talk to OP - which meant crying of course - and while he said, there's nothing you can do, I wanted to say "well, what about you?" When a parishioner is just not nice to someone, even a minister, shouldn't we address that? Bleh...

Wiggin Out

Those who have known me since at least college have probably been witness to a good "Amy Freak Out." This usually includes some inaudible monologuing, noises that sound a bit like a wounded and therefor pissed off animal, and some sort of physical reaction (throwing pillows, lying on the floor, ect...)

Yesterday I had a nice mini-freak out (there was no lying down on the floor or hanging out inside a closet). Found out that Church's big-but-quite-frankly-unimportant-in-the-grand-scheme-of-things event is the same weekend as my sister's big-and-truly-important event. And of course, the events are only about 12 hours apart and on different coasts. Sweet.

Add to that general left-over stress from the weekend, the 3rd funeral in a week, and silly girl-thinks-boy-is-interesting-but-can't-get-read-on-boy, and you have the mini-freak out.

All is better now - Other Pastor is backing me up on my going to sister's event AND talking to Man Who Makes Me Cry In My Own Office about this past Sunday (he had sent me an e-mail wanting to get together to share some "thoughts" and OP is going to run interferance!). Silly girlness was momentary and has passed, and while I do have ANOTHER funeral this weekend, I think I'm just getting used to it.

But, as always, when I'm wiggin out, I have wonderful friends who just let me spaz and my background on my computer to calm me down - a yummy picture of our President-Elect. Oh happy day!

boo

Friends and I joined in a great time last night - celebrating the ghosts and goblins among us by dressing up and playing parlor games. I dearly love my friend group here in Small City, The South. They are wonderful, diverse, fun, and so supportive. It's such a blessing to have a group of women you can just be you around - whatever incarnation of you feels like coming out at that moment.

it's elementary, my dear watson

Oy vey.

Sometimes programming at Church just gives me a headache. Wait, no, make that all the time. Another minister told me the other night that she's enrolled in this administration course where they meet two weeks in the summer for two years and learn about, yes, church administration. Now doesn't that sound like a good time. Wait, no. But it does sound like something that might be necessary. Or at least helpful. Maybe if I could learn some tricks of the admin trade, I wouldn't hate it so much.

Also, sometimes people give me a headache. Found out last night - at Church's Potluck Dinner that former boyfriend - yes, the one I ran into this weekend - is getting married. Huh. Not sure what to think about that. I cringe a little - because he's got a lot of work on himself to do (and seemed to be aware of that last we really spoke and I kinda doubt all that work has been accomplished in 8 months) and now he's becoming attached not just to a woman but her 2 children as well. I want him to be happy and well but the minister in me who does premarital counseling says "danger, will robinson, danger." Another year from now, and sure, awesome... but really, now? With all that crap going on? Okay.... Aside from that, I really want to smack him upside the head for being a poo to me the other day. Makes no sense at all. If all is wonderful and well in his world, then where does the bitterness toward me come from? Weird. Again, I can't ponder this too much because a) it doesn't really matter and b) it gives me a headache.

Tonight I'm going to try something that I hope won't give me a headache! With good friends I'm going to enter a new world - that of utter geekdom. Now, I know it may seem I've been there before, but not like this (think 20-sided dice). I was invited and I like the people so, why not? Still, wish me well as I enter into this brave new world.

grumble, grumble

A couple of updates:

The sermon thing - well, I've finally been scheduled for Advent - and yes, it's the Sunday right after Thanksgiving (again) but heck, at least I'm scheduled. The OP and my preaching has been an interesting topic round here. A couple weeks ago he commented that I was very "emotive" in a wedding homily - not like the "real me," a me that he missed. On the other hand, I had person after person after person at that wedding tell me it was the best wedding they'd ever been to and I had such presence and on and on... I don't know what to do with that - how he just doesn't get the feeling side of me. Silly INTJ.

The former boyfriend thing - HA! Well, remember when I was talking about wishing I could contact the former boyfriend and make sure all was well in his world? I'm so glad my friends wisely counseled me against that plan. Ran into him at the farmers' market yesterday (it was raining, I was with two great friends, oh, yeah, and I had a baby in a backpack on my back). First words out of his mouth were rather jerky (though, yes, according to one of the friends, somewhat understandable). Still, definite jerkness going on. Which would make complete sense if I had been the one to break things off with him and done it poorly - something I have shamefully done in the past and have deserved all the anger/snarkiness/etc thrown my way). Except he ended things. And it was months ago. And I - the one who got her heart broken - am over things and have been for quite some time. So, why is he all bitter and jerky? Very, very, very frustrating... and hurtful.

The call thing - still sensing, still wondering, still paying attention.

Keeping Up With Yourself

Ah! I've recently gotten a lot of comments about my preaching - how it's just gotten rock solid lately, always good but really kicked up several knotches.

This is a good thing to hear - it is.

But it's also terrifying.

What am I doing differently?

What if I stop doing whatever I'm doing?

What does this mean about my ministry in general?

All these thoughts--and more--are running through my head. And now I'm off to teach a Sunday school class.

getting in other people's business

I'm sitting in Coffee Shop pretending to work on my sermon but really I'm eavesdropping. There's a group of women (loud) talking about a building across the way--one of Small City's historic buildings. My but they are opinionated. And very critical. I guess they're one some planning committee - they were talking about a Mardi Gras party - and may be part of the group that is in charge of this building. The problem for me is that I want to jump in on their conversation and offer input. Maybe this means I should get myself on a committee like that. You know, in my spare time.