much needed

I'm enjoying a nice stay-cation at the moment. Thought about heading out of town but decided that I just needed to stay put and do absolutely nothing. Well, nothing and just a little bit of work on that form. You know, the one we ministers put out when we're open to a new call. Yep, I've promised myself (and my dear friends who have had to put up with me and my lack of happiness in my job) that I'm putting that form out.

I love my church - I love the people - but I haven't been challenged in a way I enjoy for quite some time. And while there are things on the horizon that are exciting, I think I'm here to plant those seeds and then someone else water them. I think. Of course, I could be completely wrong (and I'd be okay with that) but it's time to not just say I'm open, but to actually be open.

So, lazy days with a little bit of future thinking. Good vacation so far.

(Unrealistic) Expectations

I was having some serious OP love earlier this week. The whole "of course you go to your sister's event" thing was up there as well as his hand in talking with Man Who Makes Me Cry In My Own Office (who had e-mailed me wanted to share thoughts on youth sunday... thoughts which consisted of "did I miss something because how was that considered a worship service." Oh yeah.)

But you know, I think that love is fading at the moment (it's not all gone, just the glow). The interferance he was going to run, I'm sure tempered Man Who's rudeness but I still got jerked around by him. I don't know exactly how he deals with Man Who but I sometimes think he could do even more. Does he ever call Man Who out on his down-right rude treatment of me or is it "well, that's just something they'll have to work out." Which would be fine, I suppose, except Man Who literally worships OP and I think sometimes if he just said "look, you two don't see eye-to-eye but you've got to stop patronizing and needling her" it might help. Or at least let me know I'm not alone in this.

Also, and this is minor and petty (but), we have an executive team meeting before our session meeting each month. At 8am. On Friday. My day off. So, that's lame in and of itself - a day I shouldn't be at work at a time that he knows I'm not at my best. Apparently they used to meet at lunch on Friday before the session meeting (which would me at least half better). So I've always kinda been bothered by the fact he never said "hey, we have a new team member on board who is off this day and it's ridiculous to ask her to schedule a meeting on her own time, so let's move it to Thursday."

So this morning I arrive at the meeting at 8:01am (there was traffic on my way over). And at the end of the meeting he asks to see me. To "ask" me to be at church 5 minutes before the meeting. Because, you know, it's been a couple meetings now that I've arrived exactly on time or a minute late (literally a minute). And, of course, he starts this meeting (not the session meeting or any other meeting but THIS meeting at 8 freaking am) before the actual meeting time or exactly on the dot.

This is just a small example of a constant theme. It's gotten much, much better, but I don't know if OP fully respects me or sees me as a colleague or is fully aware of his power over me and how much that, well, sucks for me.

Ah, rant done now. Now it's time to try and write a sermon about not fearing. Hmmm... one of these days maybe I'll take my own advice and actually talk to OP about some of this. Probably not, but maybe.

Edited to Add: Got an e-mail back from Man Who... apparently youth sunday begs the question of why the youth weren't challenged enough (I didn't realize they hadn't been) and while he thanks me for me e-mail, he doesn't appreciate my condescending tone. Wow. Um, didn't know I had been condescending in said e-mail - in fact had a friend look at it before I sent it to make sure all was pleasant. But I think what he reads as condescending is me answering his trap question - "how was that considered a worship service" - as best as I could. I drove back the the office to talk to OP - which meant crying of course - and while he said, there's nothing you can do, I wanted to say "well, what about you?" When a parishioner is just not nice to someone, even a minister, shouldn't we address that? Bleh...

Wiggin Out

Those who have known me since at least college have probably been witness to a good "Amy Freak Out." This usually includes some inaudible monologuing, noises that sound a bit like a wounded and therefor pissed off animal, and some sort of physical reaction (throwing pillows, lying on the floor, ect...)

Yesterday I had a nice mini-freak out (there was no lying down on the floor or hanging out inside a closet). Found out that Church's big-but-quite-frankly-unimportant-in-the-grand-scheme-of-things event is the same weekend as my sister's big-and-truly-important event. And of course, the events are only about 12 hours apart and on different coasts. Sweet.

Add to that general left-over stress from the weekend, the 3rd funeral in a week, and silly girl-thinks-boy-is-interesting-but-can't-get-read-on-boy, and you have the mini-freak out.

All is better now - Other Pastor is backing me up on my going to sister's event AND talking to Man Who Makes Me Cry In My Own Office about this past Sunday (he had sent me an e-mail wanting to get together to share some "thoughts" and OP is going to run interferance!). Silly girlness was momentary and has passed, and while I do have ANOTHER funeral this weekend, I think I'm just getting used to it.

But, as always, when I'm wiggin out, I have wonderful friends who just let me spaz and my background on my computer to calm me down - a yummy picture of our President-Elect. Oh happy day!

boo

Friends and I joined in a great time last night - celebrating the ghosts and goblins among us by dressing up and playing parlor games. I dearly love my friend group here in Small City, The South. They are wonderful, diverse, fun, and so supportive. It's such a blessing to have a group of women you can just be you around - whatever incarnation of you feels like coming out at that moment.

it's elementary, my dear watson

Oy vey.

Sometimes programming at Church just gives me a headache. Wait, no, make that all the time. Another minister told me the other night that she's enrolled in this administration course where they meet two weeks in the summer for two years and learn about, yes, church administration. Now doesn't that sound like a good time. Wait, no. But it does sound like something that might be necessary. Or at least helpful. Maybe if I could learn some tricks of the admin trade, I wouldn't hate it so much.

Also, sometimes people give me a headache. Found out last night - at Church's Potluck Dinner that former boyfriend - yes, the one I ran into this weekend - is getting married. Huh. Not sure what to think about that. I cringe a little - because he's got a lot of work on himself to do (and seemed to be aware of that last we really spoke and I kinda doubt all that work has been accomplished in 8 months) and now he's becoming attached not just to a woman but her 2 children as well. I want him to be happy and well but the minister in me who does premarital counseling says "danger, will robinson, danger." Another year from now, and sure, awesome... but really, now? With all that crap going on? Okay.... Aside from that, I really want to smack him upside the head for being a poo to me the other day. Makes no sense at all. If all is wonderful and well in his world, then where does the bitterness toward me come from? Weird. Again, I can't ponder this too much because a) it doesn't really matter and b) it gives me a headache.

Tonight I'm going to try something that I hope won't give me a headache! With good friends I'm going to enter a new world - that of utter geekdom. Now, I know it may seem I've been there before, but not like this (think 20-sided dice). I was invited and I like the people so, why not? Still, wish me well as I enter into this brave new world.

grumble, grumble

A couple of updates:

The sermon thing - well, I've finally been scheduled for Advent - and yes, it's the Sunday right after Thanksgiving (again) but heck, at least I'm scheduled. The OP and my preaching has been an interesting topic round here. A couple weeks ago he commented that I was very "emotive" in a wedding homily - not like the "real me," a me that he missed. On the other hand, I had person after person after person at that wedding tell me it was the best wedding they'd ever been to and I had such presence and on and on... I don't know what to do with that - how he just doesn't get the feeling side of me. Silly INTJ.

The former boyfriend thing - HA! Well, remember when I was talking about wishing I could contact the former boyfriend and make sure all was well in his world? I'm so glad my friends wisely counseled me against that plan. Ran into him at the farmers' market yesterday (it was raining, I was with two great friends, oh, yeah, and I had a baby in a backpack on my back). First words out of his mouth were rather jerky (though, yes, according to one of the friends, somewhat understandable). Still, definite jerkness going on. Which would make complete sense if I had been the one to break things off with him and done it poorly - something I have shamefully done in the past and have deserved all the anger/snarkiness/etc thrown my way). Except he ended things. And it was months ago. And I - the one who got her heart broken - am over things and have been for quite some time. So, why is he all bitter and jerky? Very, very, very frustrating... and hurtful.

The call thing - still sensing, still wondering, still paying attention.

Keeping Up With Yourself

Ah! I've recently gotten a lot of comments about my preaching - how it's just gotten rock solid lately, always good but really kicked up several knotches.

This is a good thing to hear - it is.

But it's also terrifying.

What am I doing differently?

What if I stop doing whatever I'm doing?

What does this mean about my ministry in general?

All these thoughts--and more--are running through my head. And now I'm off to teach a Sunday school class.

getting in other people's business

I'm sitting in Coffee Shop pretending to work on my sermon but really I'm eavesdropping. There's a group of women (loud) talking about a building across the way--one of Small City's historic buildings. My but they are opinionated. And very critical. I guess they're one some planning committee - they were talking about a Mardi Gras party - and may be part of the group that is in charge of this building. The problem for me is that I want to jump in on their conversation and offer input. Maybe this means I should get myself on a committee like that. You know, in my spare time.

every girl should have girlfriends

I'm having a great "I love friends" moment.

I'm sitting in Coffee Shop with a good friend (we're both "working). We were talking about my resolution to toss the ex of the previouis post's number (which has been done, by the by). I told her I decided to not intentionally contact him because I can't control what I'll find on the other line of the phone. I want to find a happy person, a well-adjusted person, etc, but what if I don't? What then? Since I don't have answer to those questions, I realized I can't call.

Anyway, I was telling her these things, about how I wish I'd find him happy, and she said "I don't. I want him to regret for the rest of his life what he is missing out on." This sort of feeling isn't one that I can hold onto - not healthy by any means, and actually, very unlike me - but it sure is great to have friends who carry that stuff for you!

Seriously, girlfriends rock.

dreaming

I had an interesting dream last night.

My family owned a movie theater/wine bar (doesn't that sound like fun!) and I was working the bar/ticket booth. One of my customers looked familiar and I realized it was an ex-boyfriend. He was with a very lovely young woman. He and the woman came to get their tickets and wine and we had a great little reunion. I found out that he had just purchased some land by a river and he and the new girlfriend (who was an artist of some sort and very likable) were building a house together. In the dream I was absolutely thrilled for him and in those few seconds when you wake up after a dream and still think it's reality, I was still thrilled.

I mention this dream because it's basically something I really want to happen. This particular ex and I haven't seen each other in several months (since we broke up). When we did break up, he wasn't in the best place in life and while I am no longer in love or anything, I still do care. And I want to know he's alright.

I've been very tempted to find his number and give him a ring. My girlfriends here have said "absolutely not." They don't want him to still think I'm hung up on him nor do they think it's will do me any good.

I want to see/call him not out of any desire to nurture a friendship or anything--just to make sure he's alright. And I guess that's kinda selfish. Why put myself back in his life (even for a brief phone call) just to know he's okay?

Anyway, I've been thinking about this some lately (probably in part because I've recently gotten back in touch with one of my favorite people in the world that I hadn't spoken to in, well, years... and he's great and that makes me so ridiculously happy knowing that). While I have no desire for friendship with this ex, I really do want to know he's alright, that life is treating him well, and that he's treating himself well.

But for now, I'm listening to my girlfriends and I guess I'll just have to hope that my dreams are a little prophetic.

candles are pretty

This is basically what I'm thinking after our Taize service tonight. It seemed to go well - yay. We remembered our baptism AND remembered we are loved and that's always a good thing. Especially as tomorrow I get to meet with my favorite team - the personnel team - that always as such gems to share with me during our annual conversation (previous examples include: "you're wiggle too much; that skirt was too short; don't talk to the liturgist" etc, etc.... Actually, it's usually not all that bad, just annoying. And I'm not really in the mood to be annoyed right now nor have my fragile little preacher ego kicked around. I'd rather just remember that I am loved!

keeping things cool

Thanks to inherited traits I am a slightly more anxious person than Average Jane. Job doesn't help with that and right now, neither does the news. Oy! Reading headlines that say McCain is ahead of Obama makes me very nervous and I start wondering exactly how cold Canada is.

rallying

This morning is Rally Day at church. Woot.

It will be interesting to see how much energy and enthusiasm I can muster for this day when all I can think of is that now with Sunday School back in the picture, I won't be able to duck out for real coffee between services.

laboring day

It's a beautiful day here in Small City, The South. Resting from my labors by watching cars drive by at a local coffee shop (not The Coffee Shop as it is closed today!). This weekend was a perfect - and needed - weekend. A good friend who has moved away came back for a day or so and spending time with her and other friends was very centering. Preaching and feeling really solid about the sermon and the challenging subject matter (and being affirmed in that sense of hitting the mark by many a church goer) was also great and needed.

Confidence currently higher than it has been since last Tuesday and the reading of yet another anoymous comment (the second of the two negative ones from previously mentioned survey).

Got a voice message this afternoon from a church member - "hi, um, I got this number from the bathroom stall of Local Bar. It said, 'For Salvation, call..."

Hee. I love my people sometimes. Okay, most times.

And on a last note, listening to my ipod on shuffle and "silver bells" just came up. Ack - it's just Sept 1 - I still have time before Christmas, right?

a brief peak

Not a whole lot is going on at the moment - though I've been told by Rev Kettle I need to blog for her amusement.

This weekend I'm going to see Mamma Mia - with two widows from my church. Not quite how I thought I'd catch that flick, but there you go!

I'm also preaching this Sunday on a topic I really am not entirely excited by (Christ as King, anyone?) so my sermon writing will be excruciating, I am sure.

OP and I have begun weekly catch-up meetings, which is fine I suppose. Feels a little like he's micromanaging again, but I'm taking up asking him about all the little things he's doing and offering my unsolicited opinion back. Just to keep things balanced.

Watched the newish BBC/PBS Sense and Sensibility and LOVED it. My favorite version now.

I still marvel at the level of dippiness of certain people in my acquaintance.

And it's only Tuesday!

status update

So here's where I seem to stand.

I'm open to God calling me somewhere else.

I'm not needing that, not saying "I've got to go" but I'm open to the Spirit's movement. Open in that I'm going to let a few key people know. Open in that I'll try and be more aware and attune to that possibility.

good conversation

This afternoon I had a good - no, really, great - conversation with OP. I knew it was coming after last night - Director told him I was upset about comments made - and he, of course, wanted to talk with me.

Apparently out of 55 surveys 2 folks had negative things to say about me (definitely in that certain age group). But one of the overarching themes that came out of the survey was the strength of pastoral leadership - how the two of us were a benefit to Church, the way we complimented each other and what not. He rightfully said he didn't want to dismiss anyone, but that it's very possible people judged me as I was when I first showed up (all bright-eyed and fresh from seminary) and haven't allowed me room for growth in their minds.

Then we talked about that growth - how part of me was a little silly, not just joyful, but how I've grown into my pastoral identity, matured and what not. We also talked about where I may be called next. It was good to get his perspective - how he can see me loving a non-traditional but still solidly in the church structure call, being creative with worship and connecting to people, going out and meeting people where they are (literally and figuratively), continuing in the pastoral care that I get to do here. He talked about how great it is to watch that maturity and growth.

Yay.

just a little bit heartbroken

Aha!

Well, it's not a shoe, because this one's fallen before, but it's something. Things have been going really well lately - OP and I have been doing great, even Man Who Makes Me Cry In My Own Office and I have been alright. And then I do something stupid - like look at a survey the evangelism task force put out to our congregation a bit ago, about worship, strengths and things we can improve on, that sort of thing.

Well, the guy who's been running the survey had a couple to give to our communication director at the session meeting tonight. I happened to pick them up - I've been curious about what people think about worship (it's been something on my mind). One survey in particular stands out.

Now, just to be clear - the person is possibly male (or doesn't know how to click the little button thingies) and medicare age (their words, though he or she clicked the 5-19 age bracket) and been going here forever. I notice that on things that inspire, enjoy, it's senior pastor's prayers and sermons, senior pastor's spiritual leadership, etc. This person actually has some things about what we might have in worship that I agree on (which I'm sure would be shocking to him or her). This person mentions that the joy of worship, possible all church life, has been gone for the past 2 1/2 years (I've been here 3 as of Friday). This person also mentions in the comments section (along with let's go back to one service and hey, where are the youth) that the associate pastor should find her own church.

Yeah.

I know, I know, this isn't shocking. I was brought on for change and someone who doesn't like change doesn't like me. But still, ouch. And the thing is, I've actually been thinking about my call lately and while I don't feel called to move yet, I know it's coming in the next few years. And stupid comments like this make me want to jump the gun and make it happen now. To look and search just to be affirmed like I was during the call/courtship process.

Now, I won't do that. The communications director who sees me starting to break down (I was in her office) assures me that this is the only one like that. If it were a serious trend, I might listen up, but just one person with a grind to ax and a forum to do it in, I know can't be taken too seriously. Still... ouch.

the first rant

So something must have made the lightbulb go on that says "mmm, need private blog space." And here it is.

Other Pastor and I are meeting the the music staff on Wednesday to go through the rest of the year's worship schedule. Part of that schedule includes who's preaching what Sundays. Well, OP and I are talking in his office and he mentions to me that per our conversation earlier in the summer (in which I said I'd like to preach more high holy days... wait, excuse me, any high holy days as I haven't preached one since Palm Sunday my first year here) he'd scheduled me to preach on World Communion Sunday. Yippie, I exclaimed, that's my favorite Sunday. I remember, he says with a smile.

All good, yes? Well of course this story has a plot twist (otherwise it would be a pretty lame rant). I received the calendar that we'll use to talk about music and other fun events during worship. And I notice that while I am indeed scheduled to preach World Communion Sunday (glee!) I am not scheduled to preach any Sunday in Advent.

I'm sorry, what? Now, it's bad enough when the female Associate gets the "Mary" day because being female we can of course understand her better or preach her better or just do the Advent Sunday the male Pastor doesn't want to, but no Sunday at all? Upon realizing this, I knock on OP's door, only to find he's left the office for a bit. It's been a couple hours now and he's not back.

Now, it could very well be that he wanted to discuss which Sundays we wanted to do in Advent and thus didn't put it on the proposed calendar but he could have talked about that with me this morning when he "gave me" World Communion Sunday. I don't know what's going on (and we all know how much I hate that!). I also noticed that the way the preaching schedule breaks down, there's a 6 week gap between my preaching dates this fall. I don't think that OP knows that last time that happened, I had quite a few people asking me when I was going to preach, telling me they missed hearing my voice.

Don't worry, as soon as he gets back in, I'll be telling him.

***edited to add the update: apparently there's some confusion about what the music people are doing during Advent (are they doing a whole Sunday thing or just pieces during each Sunday) which will affect the preaching schedule. And here's where things get funny - I saw I wasn't scheduled and immediately thought "crap" but really, things are fine. OP and I have been doing really well lately (I haven't been "in trouble" for over 8 months) but I totally keep expecting the other shoe to fall, like it's too good or something. Must work on not being an anxious freak.

joining the crowd

After a wonderful adventure in Home Country with two other brilliant women of distinction, it came to my attention that I need a space in the on-line universe where I can just be me. Not the Reverend, not that young thing, not whatever other label people want to throw at me. Just me - whoever that is! So I have joined the masses who are already blogging a bit incognito. Hopefully this will all me a space to do the word vomit thing without worry about who will read and judge. Who knows if this little project will take off? I've always been one of those starters but not always a finisher.

I suppose, here goes nothing...